Restaurant Review - El Vaquero

We have a love/hate relationship with Vaquero's. The food is absolutely atrocious but the margaritas are sooo good. And then there's the crack cheese. First, it's called crack cheese because it's so good and every bit as addictive as crack. Second, this observation is consistent with the first because we're quite certain it contains no actual food (more on that below).

The service is almost on par with the food quality at Vaquero's. I've frequently pondered just how long one should wait at a bar without service before it becomes acceptable to just make your own margaritas. I mean really. All the bartender (a mythical creature at Vaquero's) does is open the spout of the machine and pour it into the glass. What I don't understand is how the food, service, music, decor, and ambiance can be so mind-numbingly awful while the margaritas are sooo good. Usually if a restaurant does most things badly you can count on everything being bad. But their margaritas are the best I've had on 4 continents. I know, I know. All the other continents are (sadly) margarita wastelands. But these are truly worth the flight from Australia or Mexico City or wherever.

The food however is well below the standards of what I'd feed to my dog. Seriously, I feed New Yeller only the finest "human grade" dog food. I don't think "human grade" has ever graced one of the cases of horse meat that Vaquero's brings in through the back door. We've occasionally ordered fajitas with the philosophy that it's really hard to screw those up. Somehow they manage. Through trial and error we have learned that the only acceptable "food" order is crack cheese.

Crack cheese is crazy delicious. We're talking Mr. Pibb + Red Vines delicious. We order it every time we visit Vaquero's but, for the aforementioned reasons, we'd really rather not go there. I feel that I have perfected the art of the margarita at home and we certainly have better decor, ambiance and food. However, that freakin' crack cheese would summon us. So we had to learn how to make it.

We tried every white Mexican cheese we could find to no avail. Then, on a whim, I asked my [Redacted name of major commercial food distributor] rep if he knows what they buy. Turns out, we have the same supplier. So I learned the super secret ingredient is Land O Lakes Extra Melt Process American Cheese Loaf.

Yeah. It's as sexy as it sounds. Regardless, it's unbelievably good. So Here's the recipe for crack cheese:

50% Land O Lakes Extra Melt Process blah blah blah
25% sour cream
25% half and half

In order to make it spicy, purée jalapenos ( 2 per lb of cheese) and heat them with the half n half for a few minutes on low, then add the rest over a double boiler.

So there you have it; no need to ever visit Vaquero's again. Although we still go quite a bit. If you've ever been shopping on a Saturday afternoon you understand the need to stop for a margarita.

So as much as we hate it, we'll still stop by Vaquero's for drinks and crack cheese.